Whats wrong with me? I’m conflicted. And it seems to come up every few days… leading to a nearly midnight meltdown.
Some days, the new life, post-baby, is awesome! I feel great about everything. I feel like I’m getting into a groove. Pickle is sleeping almost through the night, my breastfeeding is going well, pumping is low stress, and I’m getting to work/daycare almost on time. I say almost because you all know its damn near impossible for me to be 100% on time. I’m just overjoyed with him and I even enjoy doing all the chores for him! Bath time, laundry, feeding, diaper changing… you name it, its awesome.
And then the “me” of myself starts to wiggle in. Everything is so great, now I can start to find some time to be my old self. My old self? A busy body. Always thirsty to do more, see more, learn more, make more, buy more, … just be more. The problem is, there is no amount of time that would feel like enough to a girl who always must be more. Before I was mama, I was ‘girl of a thousand hobbies’, so cleverly labeled by Craigery. Before, whatever time I dedicated to something was exactly how much I got out of it. I didn’t have to prioritize in order to feel fulfilled. I had time to do a little of everything, and I did. Now I have a little time to do everything, which doesn’t work at all. And then I’m frozen, defeated, lost. I’m told I need to accept this new life. I do. 100%. But I cant change who I am. I was a girl who wanted it all. Right now I’m a mama who cant do any of it. How do I become a mama who has tastes of it. How can I find balance? And don’t get me wrong, its not about Pickle. This would happen with any life changing situation. Its about me and finding a balance between my old self, and new. This has been much harder than adjusting to being a mama. The challenge is reinventing how to be myself.
So the consensus is: Keep. Except from Craigery like I predicted . I know he just doesnt like how much I put on my plate. Anyway, I think I am over thinking this whole thing. In my head, I make blog posts out to be these long and time consuming things instead of cool and casual. So Im gonna relax about it. Hello again, and here is whats up lately.
Pickle turned 6 months on Valentines day. OMG. Yet he seams so much younger than that to me. He isn’t anything like what I expected a 6 month old to be like… but there I go with my dreaded issue of expecting things. It’s my nemesis. He doesn’t roll. I’m pretty sure most of you have heard my fretting about him not rolling, but I am worried it’s getting to the line of “not meeting milestones” and could be a problem. He has his 6 month apt tomorrow so we will see what the doc has to say about it all. I WILL say that he is above average in his social growth and babbles all the time! Gee… I wonder where he gets that from…
That’s enough for now. Easy peasy
For the past few weeks I have been having an inner battle with what to do with this blog. Back and worth, keep it or delete it…. well now its time to decide. But first, let me weight both sides…
Keep: I have always been good at sharing whats on my mind and those of you who know me will probably agree. So many times I felt better sharing what was on my mind. It was so awesome to have this as an outlet during my pregnancy and a way to share my progress with friends and family on a regular basis. I really enjoy going back and reading past posts. I love the idea of having my experiences as a new mother well documented and a big part of me says “shame on you for considering stopping!”. I’m afraid I will wish I kept going. Pickle is growing up so fast and my daily time with him is limited. I would be so happy to keep it going and a year from now look back on he little things I wrote about him when he was 5 months old. Its like my ’1 Line A Day’ journal I keep. I’m on the 3rd year and I LOVE reading what happened the past 2 years on that same day. Craigery and I both enjoy that. And, lastly, this is my therapy…
Delete: Sharing whats on my mind is good, but I sometimes have a problem separating my personal frustrations with what this blog is supposed to be about. I like the idea of sharing my journey with family and friends, but honestly many of them are not interested. They want me to CALL. They don’t care to be tech savvy and don’t know the first thing about even following a blog. (I think I might get some flack from that statement). And maybe more of them than I know follow, but they sure don’t say anything about it or they may mention a post months after I have written it. But who am I doing this for? Them? Me? A little of both I guess. What about Pickle? There are times when I think ‘why are you going to spend time at the computer blogging about his life, just live it!’ It makes me cry to think this. The time it takes is hard to set aside. I like to think it doesn’t take long or that I can do it when he is napping or after he goes to bed… but I just don’t know. I seem to have other things I would rather do than post all the time or I would’ve written that birth story I promised
In a nut shell, I want to. Badly. But does anyone really care/follow? Do I want to make the time? I know what Craigery would say: Delete it. If I did, then I feel like its another connection to my baby that I have severed.
I have a problem with wanting it all… and I need a solution
There is a poll about what I should do. Cast your votes, people.
Monday I went with the girls from the breastfeeding support group to the mommy me showing of Twilight! It was so fun! I really enjoyed seeing all the moms babies there! And there was hardly any crying! Pickle did excellent. I bfed there, he watched some, and slept the rest! Wish I could go more.
Wednesday was my last bf support group at UCLA. Ive met some awesome moms and have learned an incredible amount. Pictured is my Lactation Consultant, Christy. She has been so much more than breastfeeding support to me, and the other girls. I appreciate her so much. Now Vee will be going every week. I’m happy for her, but also a little sad envious.
Of course, thanksgiving was this week. I made food on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. My sister helped as did Kathy, my step mom. We made my grandmas recipes. It makes us feel close to her .
Friday morning, my sis I went out black Friday shopping after Levis night feeding. We stopped at Starbucks, best buy, Carters. We got some excellent deals and it wasn’t very crowded. My fluffy mail came too! Contained 4 bumgenius diapers in the new sassy mirror colors! My 2 free diapers were Kawaii Baby in orange and an adorable safari print! Loving them! Better than my Happy Heiny ones so far. On Friday, Levi got to meet his great aunt finally, and got some time in the bumbo. Not fully ready for it though.
On Sunday I got all his things ready for daycare. Ill make that a separate post later. All in all, it was an emotion filled week.
Well, well, well… welcome back… as you all know, I had the baby! Haha! I hope you can excuse my long absence from the blog as our baby boy has kept me quite busy. I intended my first post back to be the birth story, but I have been kidding myself thinking it would be so easy to just sit right down when the baby is napping and write that story. Nope. So, I thought, why not make it easy on myself and write something… the birth story will take a few days to type up but I am happy to say I used a few late night nursing sessions to dictate it all on my phone before the details got fuzzy.
Today, I want to talk about the other side. Oh how different it is. Not in a bad way… on the contrary… it feels wonderful. It feels exclusive. I hope you can follow this train of thought and imagine what I mean. I feel like there is a secret I’ve been let in on. Something I could not have ever understood before. Even if it was described to me. And yet there is nothing to describe. I cannot say what that secret is. It isn’t anything and yet it’s everything. Somehow everything is different even in the things that are the same, like I’ve been enlightened and I’m on the other side. Honestly, it’s something anyone childless could never understand, but I don’t mean that negatively. I just suddenly feel like I know every other mother in the world. We are connected and she knows me just as well. Even more specifically, I mean the new mom with newborns on up to toddlers. There is something different about them than moms with older children… even if the newborn is not their first child. I feel a special connection to them. When we look into each other’s eyes, I feel Im saying “I know” and they say the same to me.
The older moms… including our moms… are excited you’ve joined the club. Hmm.. that thought makes me smile. That’s how it feels. They cannot wait to tell you all they discovered when they reached the other side. Yet they are torn because they know you need this time to find your own way. Its like they waited their whole lives to be connected with you like this. What I have to say is that im grateful for their knowledge. I listen, but also I need to learn, and to make my own discoveries. I love seeing them smile at me as I make my way through the early days of a lifetime of motherhood.
Next, the love all parents describe. I was most curious about this. I have a hard time believing I could love someone more than I love my Craigery. But, every parent says there is no way to understand until you have your own. Well, now that I’m on the other side, I would like to describe this feeling a little differently. It’s a need. As soon as Pickle was born, he became a primal need. Exactly like the need to eat, drink, breathe and live. I needed this child. My world would perish without him the same as if I starved from lack of food. I believe there is nothing else in the world that can become a need the way a child can. The love was not instant. The love comes from the relationship we will, and do, have between the 2 of us. That love is different from any other, but also different for each person. All relationships between 2 people are different, even between the 2 involved. It would be impossible for me to describe the relationship and love Pickle and I share, but I can agree its different.
I know you are all thinking this was all a bit deep or serious or whatever. But, I would say its powerful.
BTW, This is exactly how I typed up this entire post. Shouldve wore my ring sling :/
As a note, I am not describing any specific mom or yet to be. Just the general of the moms I have encountered in my life .