Myself, Divided
Whats wrong with me? I’m conflicted. And it seems to come up every few days… leading to a nearly midnight meltdown.
Some days, the new life, post-baby, is awesome! I feel great about everything. I feel like I’m getting into a groove. Pickle is sleeping almost through the night, my breastfeeding is going well, pumping is low stress, and I’m getting to work/daycare almost on time. I say almost because you all know its damn near impossible for me to be 100% on time. I’m just overjoyed with him and I even enjoy doing all the chores for him! Bath time, laundry, feeding, diaper changing… you name it, its awesome.
And then the “me” of myself starts to wiggle in. Everything is so great, now I can start to find some time to be my old self. My old self? A busy body. Always thirsty to do more, see more, learn more, make more, buy more, … just be more. The problem is, there is no amount of time that would feel like enough to a girl who always must be more. Before I was mama, I was ‘girl of a thousand hobbies’, so cleverly labeled by Craigery. Before, whatever time I dedicated to something was exactly how much I got out of it. I didn’t have to prioritize in order to feel fulfilled. I had time to do a little of everything, and I did. Now I have a little time to do everything, which doesn’t work at all. And then I’m frozen, defeated, lost. I’m told I need to accept this new life. I do. 100%. But I cant change who I am. I was a girl who wanted it all. Right now I’m a mama who cant do any of it. How do I become a mama who has tastes of it. How can I find balance? And don’t get me wrong, its not about Pickle. This would happen with any life changing situation. Its about me and finding a balance between my old self, and new. This has been much harder than adjusting to being a mama. The challenge is reinventing how to be myself.